Thursday, May 27, 2010

Desperate Times Call For Drastic Measures

I had started a whole post about a throwback to when SATC was awesome and how if Carrie wore a ridiculous flower on her sweater or a stupid bird on her head you better believe my ass was at Claire’s the next day trying to find a cheap version ASAP. I was going to go on and on about how I am nervous for the SATC2 movie because I am sure it is going to be awful but I’ve already invested like 10 years of my life in this franchise and am therefore obligated to go watch it. But I am not going to do that because there are more pressing matters at hand.

I just realized that I leave for my South Beach vacation in 10 days. Why I thought vacationing somewhere that has a diet named after it is beyond my reasoning right now. All I know is that I am going to have to be in a swimsuit in 10 days and things are not looking too pretty right now. This calls for drastic measures so today I started the Master Clease, also known as the Lemonade Diet or the Beyonce Diet. Yes, yes, yes I know my digestive tract will hate me and I’ll probably be reduced to wearing a butt plug on my vacation but as long as I lose like 5 lbs it’s totally worth it. I just started this morning but I’ll let you know how it goes without going into any toilet discussion unless it’s absolutely necessary.

My biggest challenge is keeping myself busy during this time. I’ve done it once before and I realized how much eating consumes my life because I got so bored that I started inventing things to do and places to go. Which is how I got my dog. So I have a whole list of things on my agenda for the next 10 days: Spanish lessons, making homemade karaoke CDs, fashioning a championship belt for N’s birthday party, etc... Wish me luck.
Hungry hungry hearts,


Monday, May 24, 2010

My Dream of Becoming a Mexican Princess

Apparently N and I are moving to Mexico for two years. Let me make some disclaimers. I know Mexico is NOT the most ideal and exotic place to move. Also, while we got the word today we are going, it won't be for a few months.

Anyway, while deciding whether or not we should accept the offer to move if we were to get it, we had to do a list of pros and cons which I will share with you:

Pro - I wouldn't have to be an accountant any more and my only job would be to stay home and be a Mexican princess.
Con - I might get kidnapped because that's what people do there, like a hobby or something.
Pro - We have never lived outside the great state of Texas so this could be a fresh start.
Con - I can never drink water from the faucet. Like ever. For like two years.
Pro - If I were to accidentally drink said water I would probably get violently ill which we all know = Skinny Gina.
Con - If I want to do anything like get a job or go back to school I'll have to learn Spanish fluently, which is virtually impossible since I have been trying to learn this damn language since I was about four.
Pro - Our moving bonus would cover our wedding expenses (yes, the wedding that will follow the ring that I have not yet received).
Con - Did I mention the kidnapping? And the rampant carjacking incidents?

So while the possibility of getting kidnapped and carjacked would deter most people from moving to a country where they don't know the language, I am choosing to see this as an adventure. A very scary, very nerve-racking adventure. And from what I hear most of the scary stuff is limited to people who are involved in the drug cartels so as long as I don't decide to become an entrepreneur or get the wrong tattoo I would say my chances are good. And if I still don't feel safe to leave the house, I could always have a baby to occupy my time or just come home and live with my mommy for a few months.

Nervous mexican princess love,


Sunday, May 23, 2010

C is for Cheater

Our facebook status reads: It's complicated. 
Well, it would if TNB and ShoeDazzle were on facebook. 
As I posted last week, I am continuing on with my tough-love stance with ShoeDaz, but really hoping KK takes the necessary steps to repair our broken love.  Kim on the other hand, apparently was hurt by my comments and she decided to play hardball.  Last week I got the following email:

Hey love, Happy Birthday!  As a birthday gift to you, I consulted the stars for a shoe that a two faced B Gemini like yourself would want for your birthday and I found them.  Hope you adore them to pieces! 
Kisses, K

The F? Are you kidding me? 

And then it hit me.  She knows. 
I haven't been entirely faithful to Kim either. 

It started out innocently enough.  I needed emergency shoes for a wedding, so I made a quick trip to DSW.  I knew KK would be forgiving because our complicated relationship is also a long-distance one, and I needed shoes that day. 
So I found these. 

I ESP-ed an apology to KK as I scooped up the box and was almost to the checkout when I spotted these. 

The emotional affair began here I guess.  Backup shoes for when the wedding spills over into the late night bar scene.  I don't want to ruin perfectly good heels, so a cute flat pair is really a necessity.  And sweet baby Jesus, they only cost $19.99.  It's like they are paying me. 
I rationalized the entire shopping trip as a one-time-only excursion.  But the lure of a real life shoe store kept bringing me in.  While buying the Hus new work shoes at Stein Mart, I saw these babies for $49.99.

And these:

But I looked down at my Gracie's and remembered I was a committed woman.

Until yesterday.  I don't know if it were the really awesome Louboutin black and red flats that whispered, "she's not really that into you," or the Manolo black pumps that screamed, "wtf is wrong with you, the patent leather is soo much shinier on our side," but something stuck.  And I caved. 

I am truly in love.  It is like I don't even know myself anymore.  Flats?  I have been a heel whore for years, but I guess everything changes.  (My Mom bought them for me as a birthday gift and took them home to wrap, so no real close up pictures yet.)

So Kim, I am sorry, I really am, but you have some really tough competition.  You need to get your act together immediately or I am going to run off with someone else.  Maybe not Nieman Marcus, but Nordstrom has a Rack even you can't top.  Please show me some effort this month, or I am officially turning you loose.
Scorned love,

Disclaimer - I can't remember the prices of the shoes from DSW exactly, but I know I didnt spend very much, and the above was my best estimation