Friday, May 7, 2010

How Much Do I Love Airports?

Warning: What you are about to read has been written out of frustration. Please bare with me, I know it is long.

While the rest of America focuses on health care reform, I am proposing reform in what is often perceived as the Country's largest cess pools: airports.

For my plan, let's call it the *Protection of the Sanity of Seasoned Travellers*, the benefits will extend not only to smart people like myself, Gina, and you, our readers, who, I assume are smart if only by association, but also to non-travellers, old people, and general douche bags. I am not saying old people are douches, please don't send me hate mail.

My proposal is as follows:

All airlines are to join a database in which every ticket purchased by traveller A is logged for a period of 5 years. When traveller A purchases a ticket, he is automatically placed into a particular security line (high speed, regular, remedial, leisure, family). If A has travelled extensively in the recent 6 month time period, he is automatically bumped to the high speed security line. If he has only travelled occassionally, he is sent to the regular security line. If traveller A is familiar with airport practices and is designated the regular security line, but feels he is qualified to move up to high speed, he must take a 5 question online quiz and present his 100% passing score to the check in agent in order to be allowed acces to high speed security line.

See, I understand that some people are perfectly capable of moving through airports with ease even though they may only fly occassionally. I am probably in this category, so I think a move up option should be available to those that deserve it. My quiz would be structured somewhere along the lines of:

A) Do you need your photo I.D. when entering the security line?

B) Do you need your boarding pass when passing through the metal detector?

C) Can the following items be worn through the metal detector without causing a line hold up? {Belt, jacket, shoes, wallet chain {wallet chains should be outlawed in general, but I will ignore it that fact for now}}

D) Is it permissable to send a laptop computer through the x-ray machine in a bucket with other items?

E) Can you enter the scanner prior to your bags being sent through the x-ray machine?

Then, if completed correctly, you must sign over your first born as a promise to abide by these rules. Till death do you part, except hopefully not brought about by a plane crash.

Other security categories would be determined based on flying history noted by previous check in times. If you continually arrive at the airport more than 2 hours prior to your scheduled departure (as noted by a time stamp at security) you are designated a liesure traveller and must pass through security in the leisure. (There may or may not be someone working the security line when you arrive, but you have plenty of time, feel free to hang out in the beach chairs provided in the liesure security line.) If you have never, rarely, or often fly but fail and continue to fail the high speed access quiz, you are sent through the remedial line. You are designated a helper who will ensure you get through security, but will likely yell at you until you either learn better or are further frightened of flying and decide to take only car trips and cruises from here on out.

And families of course get a line to themselves. I wouldn't leave you out, but seriously, you remember life before baby and how much easier it was to do things. In your own family line, it should be so much better! I think and I reserve the right to change my mind on this matter once I have children as well.

I think I have set forth a flawless plan to remedy the world from the complete aggravation of airport nightmares, on the human traveller side at least. I can say nothing about the airlines themselves other than they.all.have.problems.

Next month, I tackle steriods in sports and the BCS playoff issue. This congress doesn’t go on holiday.

I am officially running for President in 2020 assuming the whole end of the world 2012 debaucle blows over.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Throwback Thursday: Wearing Matching Everything

Today's Throwback Thursday is sponsored by Kaepa.

Not really, because that would mean that somebody actually sponsored us. On our free blog. Which is dumb. Anyway, when I was in junior high, these shoes were all the rage because, get this, you could SWITCH OUT THE TRIANGLES TO MATCH YOUR OUTFIT! I mean, this is effing gold. I don't know why people still don't make these but with high heels or something else useful.

Anyway, in junior high, all my fashion acumen came from my mom who totally knew what was up because she had a perm and wore t-strap high heels in every color. So if my mom said that orange shorts overalls with a purple t-shirt and purple slouchy socks were the style, of course I would believe her. Also, if she said Hey you should also wear your Kaepas because guess who got you new orange and purple triangles! of course I would do it. And you know what? I would wear this ridiculousness proudly and with confidence like I was some sort of McDonalds character.  And I know this outfit sounds made up but I absolutely do not have the imagination to make this shit up.

I'm lovin' it,


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

My Ace of Cakes Phase

You know how I told you I go through all these phases because I have no life am super creative? My current phase is baking. Which is weird because I don't even really like dessert (I know, I'm a freak of nature). Oh and it's also weird because I never baked before in my life. Whenever we have cookie exchanges or birthday cake rotations at work, I always would buy from the grocery store and wouldn't even bother to put it in my own container and pretend I made it myself.

But I had a GBFF who would make all these amazing cakes and because N was always working out of town he was all "You should totally help J make cakes because you like to watch Amazing Wedding Cakes and the Cake Boss and it will keep you busy while I make it rain."  So I called him and we started making cakes and we will probably have a show on Bravo soon. Look, I'll prove it:

Here are the reasons I think cakes are my ticket to fame and red hair and really big feminine but awesome flower tattoos on my arm (oh you didn't know? this is what I picture myself to look like when I open my own bakery. I call it Punky Crocker.):

1. J is a total flamer. Like Damien in Mean Girls except he thinks he can totally pass for a straight man and he lives with two other gays.

2. We argue all.the.time. Like about everything. And they can turn into huge blowups. "What do you mean we are out of sugar?! We're a fuckin' bakery!" "Of course we have to make the monkeys edible and not just use the ones from your Barrel of Monkeys!" "It has too much crap on it already, stop trying to add fuckin' butterflies!" This is reality TV gold.

3. Our cakes are not terrible for us only doing this for a few months. Yeah we should probably shoot for something better than "not terrible" but whatev.

Anyway, I am pretty much over this hobby and ready to move onto something else making homemade pinatas or some shit but unfortunately I dragged J into this and he wont let me quit now. Oh well.

Gay tantrums and reality tv love,


P.S. If George Lopez has people sing Total Eclipse of the Heart on his show one more time I am going to find him and stab him in the face. That's my song dammit!

P.P.S. It is perfectly okay if Lea Michelle sings it on Glee and her rendition may or may not have given me chills last night.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Where Am I?

Quick mini post here. 

Scene from my living room two minutes ago:

I just got home and am laying on the couch and have turned on the TV
Husband from doorway: Lost is on tonight
Me: I know, but there is only 5 minutes left, so I thought I would watch a little bit of Glee and see what all the fuss is about.
Husband: Oh, Glee, ya, I have been wanting to tape that.
Me: crickets...

My question is, who kidnapped my husband and replaced him with the guy who is currently in the shower?  I am not sure I am complaining, but I need to know whether I should sleep with a weapon nearby...

Shoesday Edition: 1st Court of Appeals

Saturday as I was fancying myself up for a wedding, yes another wedding, my personal assistant  blackberry alerted me to an very important email from Kim Kardashian.  My May selections of shoes were in!  I stifled a squeal and waited what felt like a decade for my tiny screen to display five shoes designed especially for me and my goddess like feet. 
I shook the phone, turned on and off the power, but yet, the fuzzy and blurry picture didn't improve with focus.  Behold:

Actually, I kind of liked the first pair of shoes, but I was holding out for something work appropriate, and I am also *trying* to stick to a budget and they would require new clothes to go with the cute strappy sandal and explaining that to my Husband would be like talking to the proverbial brick wall.  Worse actually.
Also, TWO bright yellow shoes in a selection of 5 Kimmy?  I have heard you make all sorts of statements regarding what is and is not the new black of the summer, but unless you want this strappy piece of sunshine where it isn't supposed to shine, you best pick me out something on the outer edge of the rainbow.  We won't go into the blue.gag.cork.gag.wedge heel or he suede (really?) boot because if you have read any of my previous Shoesday posts you have been fully apprised of my issues with both.  Unless of course you were classmates with any of the Kardashians in which case you too quite possibly had a good portion of your brain cells removed during your anti-cellulite procedure years ago.  
I found a way to muster through the burning tears and click, send me a new selection and was about to go back to primping for the upcoming wedding when I decided to tempt fate and check my Shoe Fab selection.  If you recall, Shoe Fab was notified of its current probation in April and was in current danger of pulling a Lohan by violating the agreed upon email notification clause in our contract, when the I realized that my shoe selection patiently awaited my judgement.  As the appellate court got under way, I was presented the following:
Ok, we have some possibilities here.  I haven't been completely persuaded by the Gladiator look, although I fully intend to embrace it about 6 months after it is no longer in style, so option 1 was out.  Option 2 was a no go for obvious reasons stated over and over again.  Seriously, why cork wedges are continually sent to me could qualify as the 9th wonder of the modern world.  Option 3 is not bad, but I already bought black sandals with a heel, I want something different.  Option 4 is an improvement but it's like the Twighlight saga for me.  It's better than the first, but its still a wedge heel covered in wooden laminate flooring.  I seriously considered option 5, but I can't get past the zipper.  I kept imagining myself attempting to seduce my husband by ever so slowly unzipping my shoe.  And then I would laugh at myself.  I couldn't get past that imagine of the seductive shoe removal, so I passed. 
Fortunately, Shoe Fab gives you 6 options per month, and so as not to tempt fate, I decided to take a chance on these:
I needed some new brown summer shoes, and I think these look fun.  And the best part was that I had a shoe credit from Shoe Fab, so I saved myself $39.99 this month. 
Sunday afternoon I was alerted that my Shoe Dazzle replacement selection was available.  I assumed the speed racer response was a sign from the shoe gods that Kim was humbled by my parting message of: I need WORK shoes.  In neutral colors please.  No gladiators, or shoes with 4 inch heels or higher.  My job requires walking through unpaved parking lots occasionally and stilettos are a little much.  Sorry about the bad breakup with the Reg, XOXO C
Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned Reggie.
She is trying to imprison  my ankles now?
More Gladiators?  Really?

Oh look, ONE pair of flats for work.  Oh, nope.  these puppies have rhinestones AND fake pearls.  They should take my junior league meeting from daywear to clubwear, no problem right?  Barf.

Girlfriend needs a new boyfriend, or therapy, STAT.  Clearly.
So as of Monday morning I was ready to give my verdict.  Shoe Dazzle you are Out.  Shoe Fab you are In.  Again.  Until next month when one of you mindf*cks me again.

Calloused and bunioned love,