Friday, May 7, 2010

How Much Do I Love Airports?

Warning: What you are about to read has been written out of frustration. Please bare with me, I know it is long.

While the rest of America focuses on health care reform, I am proposing reform in what is often perceived as the Country's largest cess pools: airports.

For my plan, let's call it the *Protection of the Sanity of Seasoned Travellers*, the benefits will extend not only to smart people like myself, Gina, and you, our readers, who, I assume are smart if only by association, but also to non-travellers, old people, and general douche bags. I am not saying old people are douches, please don't send me hate mail.

My proposal is as follows:

All airlines are to join a database in which every ticket purchased by traveller A is logged for a period of 5 years. When traveller A purchases a ticket, he is automatically placed into a particular security line (high speed, regular, remedial, leisure, family). If A has travelled extensively in the recent 6 month time period, he is automatically bumped to the high speed security line. If he has only travelled occassionally, he is sent to the regular security line. If traveller A is familiar with airport practices and is designated the regular security line, but feels he is qualified to move up to high speed, he must take a 5 question online quiz and present his 100% passing score to the check in agent in order to be allowed acces to high speed security line.

See, I understand that some people are perfectly capable of moving through airports with ease even though they may only fly occassionally. I am probably in this category, so I think a move up option should be available to those that deserve it. My quiz would be structured somewhere along the lines of:

A) Do you need your photo I.D. when entering the security line?

B) Do you need your boarding pass when passing through the metal detector?

C) Can the following items be worn through the metal detector without causing a line hold up? {Belt, jacket, shoes, wallet chain {wallet chains should be outlawed in general, but I will ignore it that fact for now}}

D) Is it permissable to send a laptop computer through the x-ray machine in a bucket with other items?

E) Can you enter the scanner prior to your bags being sent through the x-ray machine?

Then, if completed correctly, you must sign over your first born as a promise to abide by these rules. Till death do you part, except hopefully not brought about by a plane crash.

Other security categories would be determined based on flying history noted by previous check in times. If you continually arrive at the airport more than 2 hours prior to your scheduled departure (as noted by a time stamp at security) you are designated a liesure traveller and must pass through security in the leisure. (There may or may not be someone working the security line when you arrive, but you have plenty of time, feel free to hang out in the beach chairs provided in the liesure security line.) If you have never, rarely, or often fly but fail and continue to fail the high speed access quiz, you are sent through the remedial line. You are designated a helper who will ensure you get through security, but will likely yell at you until you either learn better or are further frightened of flying and decide to take only car trips and cruises from here on out.

And families of course get a line to themselves. I wouldn't leave you out, but seriously, you remember life before baby and how much easier it was to do things. In your own family line, it should be so much better! I think and I reserve the right to change my mind on this matter once I have children as well.

I think I have set forth a flawless plan to remedy the world from the complete aggravation of airport nightmares, on the human traveller side at least. I can say nothing about the airlines themselves other than they.all.have.problems.

Next month, I tackle steriods in sports and the BCS playoff issue. This congress doesn’t go on holiday.

I am officially running for President in 2020 assuming the whole end of the world 2012 debaucle blows over.


Becky Mochaface said...

Love it. Let's get this passed immediately so it can take effect before June.

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