Saturday, March 13, 2010
Now it may seem like this is a pretty harmless crisis. Its not like I am going to go chuck my b/f of five years and date a 22 year-old, b/c frankly I can’t stand 22 year-old boys and the thought of dating makes me want to vom. Oh yeah and also because I heart my b/f. So what’s the problem, you may be asking. I mean, it doesn’t really affect my day-to-day life until I go shopping. That’s when these two bitches inside me really start going head-to-head. Part of me is like “oh I’ll just go to J Crew and pick up a polo or two and maybe I should get it monogrammed too” and the other part of me is like “Ooh, jeggings! Omg and red snakeskin platform heels! And didn’t Kim Kardashian mention that the nautical look is going to be hot this spring?” It’s exhausting and I hate conflict so I end up buying everything in sight. Oh, and I’ve developed an unnatural obsession over Kim Kardashian within the past month. Probably because of her shoe dazzle fabulousness. I think that’s it. Oh and on Sundays I flip between ANTM marathons and Platinum Wedding Marathons. While doing online makeovers and researching places for my pretend destination wedding.
And yes, I realize I have no life. Whatever.
**NB1 here. I just wanted to clarify that I do not particularly agree with NB2's views noted below. I happen to love Lady Gaga and her catchy melodies and lyrics and, although I sincerely hope Kesha is saving her earnings since she will probably not be famous for very long, I can't help but dancing in my seat. And also I refuse to succumb to a life of nothing but Phil Collins and Sarah McLauchlan. Okay, passionate qualification over. Enjoy!**
***EDITED TO ADD: I obviously listen to the repeat station including Lady Gaga etc, since I happen to know the words. And I don't particularly like Phil Collins. But repeats of Bad Romance make me want to die a slow death.***
My commute to work is somewhere between 20-30 minutes. I am lucky, I know. But I am also cheap, and decided against purchasing XM satellite radio. So whenever I get in my car, I turn to the radio to provide a distraction from my increasing road rage issues. Over the last month, I hear the same 6 or 7 songs on the radio all day every day. And when I pay attention to the words, I want to swerve my car into the 18 wheeler in the lane to the right of me. Either that or forget to look in my side mirrors and crash into the woman who has comfortably snuggled into my blind spot while putting on her makeup.
I am ok with ridiculous songs, but some are just AWFUL. I can’t take it anymore. Here is what I mean:
Sexy B*tch (aka Sexy Chick), by Akon
They say she low down, it’s just a rumor and I don’t believe ‘em: Dude, rumors are normally right on. You should totally believe them.
She’s nothing like a girl you’ve ever seen before: oooh, does she have a 3rd boob? or maybe a 2nd nose? Cause, as a girl, I doubt there is something she has that I don’t
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood hoe (actually lyric finding website, I think the correct lyric is whore): Well, probably true since my house is surrounded by people in their twilight years. No offense to the elderly, I am sure some find a way to keep it sexy
I am trying to find a word to describe this girl without being disrespectful: Too late. You basically called her a whore already. But just in case, other words you might use would be street-walker, lady of the night, Ru Paul, or hooka, unless you find these words disrespectful as well.
Moving on -
Tic Toc by Ke$ha – was the “$” necessary?
Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy: sucks for you girl, waking up feeling like a man
Put my glasses on, I’m out the door, I’m gonna hit this city. Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack: Um, gross. Morning breath + Jack equals certain fire hazard.
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t comin back: wait, you are leaving for the rest of the day and night? Wow, you have serious energy. You just said it was the morning when you woke up. I am confused.
Boys blowin up our phones, phones: well, it was that or talk to you in person, and you brushed your teeth with Jack. You should have used Peppermint Schnapps
Ain’t got no care in the world, but got plenty of beer: Are you saying beer is only for pensive people with borderline depression?
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here: So the club lets you bring in beer? Wow, I am sort of jealous. But where are you storing it all night? Carrying it around until you “see the sunlight” might make for a bad night
But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger: Do you know who Mick Jagger is? Have you seen Mick Jagger? Didn’t think so.
Now the party don’t start ’til I walk in: Clearly, you are bringing the beer.
And finally -
Telephone, by Lady Gaga/Beyonce
Hello, hello baby, you called, I can’t hear a thing. I’ve got no service in the club you say, say (or see, see): Fact: no service=no call. What you meant was you can’t hear because you are in a club with music. Which makes me wonder how you heard the phone ring.
I cannot text you with a drink in my hand: wow, she is being responsible and not condoning texting while drinking. It’s great to see a pop star being responsible
Stop callin, stop callin, I don’t want to think anymore: Stop answering.
Not that I don’t like you, I am just at a party: Um, I am thinking you don’t like him
And I am sick and tired of my phone ringing: Turn. It. Off. End of problem.
I have these conversations in my head almost every time I hear these songs, which is 5 times an hour on the radio. Which is why I listen to soft rock, the best of the 80’s, 90’s and today. It’s awesome and plays everything from Sting, to Meredith Brooks, to the guy that won American Idol. And I don’t think they play the same song more than 1 time a day.