Everything I never wanted to know I learned on Facebook

I am not perfect.  This I know and readily admit.  I have many faults, one being my penchant for gossip and unquenchable desire to know the story behind everything.

 

I have been trying to keep my thoughts and judgments out of other people's business.  I have tried to not bring up any gossip unless it is good news about someone that can be construed as sharing in their excitement.

 

Facebook is killing me.

 

• I know that an acquaintance of mine is due to have her 2nd child any day now, and I also know what he son had for dinner tonight.
• I know that another acquaintance's newborn son is sick, and I feel awful about knowing that.  But I wish her and the baby nothing but the best.
• I know when the latest engagement occurs.
• I see pictures from weddings that I wasn't able to attend.
• I know what my ex is doing on any given day.
• I know that two former classmates hooked up at our class reunion last year while one of the two was still in a relationship.
• I know that entirely too many people in this world do not understand the correct usage of there, they're, and their.
• I know people log a lot of hours on farmville when they should probably be working.

 

These are things that I can live with and not feel the great urge to gossip about.

 

What I can't live with and simultaneously try to be a good person? The Oversharers.

 

The guy who has an affair on MY friend.  Who, on the very day the divorce is finalized changes his formerly hidden relationship status to "in a serious relationship" with the other woman.  The guy who boasted of his 1 year anniversary with this same woman when his marriage failed only 10 months before.  The guy who has now proposed to this woman.  The woman who leaves messages on his status decrying her luck at finding such a classy and wonderful man. 

 

The girl, who I can't place from my past but who befriended me.  The girl who over the late summer months went on a status update frenzy posting about how it is never okay to hit someone, and how it is a strong woman who walks away from a bad relationship.  Her status changed from in a relationship to single in between these posts.  Daily posts were pro-female voicing how she was better off without that loser.  Then today she reveals she is engaged.  And none of her other friends seem surprised in their posts?!?

 

It is my *friends* like the above who make daily posts that send my brain off to crazy land while I try and figure out how their lives play out.  It takes emails from Gina to remind me that it is not appropriate to email these people and ask, why in the name of monkeys are you airing out your life decisions.  But, while you are airing out these happenings, could you pretty please explain more because, seriously, you are giving my overactive imagination just enough rope...

 

It makes me very happy that I was not apprised of such social networks while I was dating.  The *official* relationship status on Facebook has me utterly confused.  In my life, we had the DTR (determine the relationship) talk prior to using the term boyfriend or girlfriend.  Do you now ask the other person if you are facebook official, or do you wait for them to change their status first?  And how do you deal with the friend status after a breakup?  Do you stay friends?  Do you block your ex?  How many days do you leave pictures up?  Oh the insanity.

 

I am not complaining as without facebook I would feel completely out of the touch with the world.  Also, I would miss such gems as the *like* button of which my favorite use was when a friend's status was *liked* when he went from being in a relationship to being single.  Nothing says, "Dude that girl was a lifesuck" more than liking a breakup. 

 

What I need?  Is a way to subtly convince these people to write a blog so I can get to the bottom of this madness.  Without them knowing I care of course.

 

Is that too much to ask?

 

I am the only one that feels this way?

Quick. How many phone numbers do YOU know by heart?

Do you remember when the sole source of telephone communication was the home phone? 
I remember being so very very excited that my parents gave me my own phone line in high school.  That same phone line is now the fax line for my Dad's business.  (Justin R. Timberlake faxes important shit daily.)
I can easily remember when my friends in high school had pagers because cell phones were like iPads... the cool new thing that you wanted but your parents told you were too expensive for a child your age.  And yes, I am looking through my cheap ass rose colored glasses and am pretending that 80% of students at my old high school do not actually own iPads, humor me, I am old and cheap.
Now?  I can barely function without the use of my cell phone.  My husband told me in the nicest way possible that he could that I may have a slight problem with technology rage and that normal people do not react to slow internet uploads with such fury.  Personally, I feel that he is overreacting to my overreacting, but that is a post for another time.
My beloved loved trusty Blackberry was murdered over Labor Day weekend.  Actually the judge ruled it involuntary phoneslaughter, but added on depraived indifference to appease me.  Regardless, I was awarded little for the pain and suffering caused by hours of emailing and adding lost phone numbers into my new phone. 
I honestly know 5 numbers by heart.  3 of those belong to my parents and 1 to my husband.  Sad. (Justin R Timberlake's number is NOT the 5th, but hopefully soon.)
So, here it is about 3 weeks later and I am about to go through this misery AGAIN. 
I bought a Garminfone because I figured getting a phone and a Gramin map direction thing all in one was a sweet deal and for once in my life I might have some cool tech gadget that none of my friends had.
Joke's on me.  This phone sucks ass.
The phone has, in it's lifetime dropped 20+ calls, most of which were to my mother and I could look past that, but really?  Also, rings when it wants to.  Randomly locks itself and wont let me back in. 
I HATE YOU PHONE.

So, question is now... what kind of phone should I get?
*Hint, if you answer iPhone I will come through the computer and strangle you... my company won't use iPhones for work email, blah blah blah.
Help... anyone?  I would really like something with cool applications, but honestly if I can keep a call connected 100% of time I won't complain.
Also, Glee?  How I have missed you.
And you too Justin R Timberlake.