Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Shoesday Edition: 1st Court of Appeals

Saturday as I was fancying myself up for a wedding, yes another wedding, my personal assistant  blackberry alerted me to an very important email from Kim Kardashian.  My May selections of shoes were in!  I stifled a squeal and waited what felt like a decade for my tiny screen to display five shoes designed especially for me and my goddess like feet. 
I shook the phone, turned on and off the power, but yet, the fuzzy and blurry picture didn't improve with focus.  Behold:

Actually, I kind of liked the first pair of shoes, but I was holding out for something work appropriate, and I am also *trying* to stick to a budget and they would require new clothes to go with the cute strappy sandal and explaining that to my Husband would be like talking to the proverbial brick wall.  Worse actually.
Also, TWO bright yellow shoes in a selection of 5 Kimmy?  I have heard you make all sorts of statements regarding what is and is not the new black of the summer, but unless you want this strappy piece of sunshine where it isn't supposed to shine, you best pick me out something on the outer edge of the rainbow.  We won't go into the blue.gag.cork.gag.wedge heel or he suede (really?) boot because if you have read any of my previous Shoesday posts you have been fully apprised of my issues with both.  Unless of course you were classmates with any of the Kardashians in which case you too quite possibly had a good portion of your brain cells removed during your anti-cellulite procedure years ago.  
I found a way to muster through the burning tears and click, send me a new selection and was about to go back to primping for the upcoming wedding when I decided to tempt fate and check my Shoe Fab selection.  If you recall, Shoe Fab was notified of its current probation in April and was in current danger of pulling a Lohan by violating the agreed upon email notification clause in our contract, when the I realized that my shoe selection patiently awaited my judgement.  As the appellate court got under way, I was presented the following:
Ok, we have some possibilities here.  I haven't been completely persuaded by the Gladiator look, although I fully intend to embrace it about 6 months after it is no longer in style, so option 1 was out.  Option 2 was a no go for obvious reasons stated over and over again.  Seriously, why cork wedges are continually sent to me could qualify as the 9th wonder of the modern world.  Option 3 is not bad, but I already bought black sandals with a heel, I want something different.  Option 4 is an improvement but it's like the Twighlight saga for me.  It's better than the first, but its still a wedge heel covered in wooden laminate flooring.  I seriously considered option 5, but I can't get past the zipper.  I kept imagining myself attempting to seduce my husband by ever so slowly unzipping my shoe.  And then I would laugh at myself.  I couldn't get past that imagine of the seductive shoe removal, so I passed. 
Fortunately, Shoe Fab gives you 6 options per month, and so as not to tempt fate, I decided to take a chance on these:
I needed some new brown summer shoes, and I think these look fun.  And the best part was that I had a shoe credit from Shoe Fab, so I saved myself $39.99 this month. 
Sunday afternoon I was alerted that my Shoe Dazzle replacement selection was available.  I assumed the speed racer response was a sign from the shoe gods that Kim was humbled by my parting message of: I need WORK shoes.  In neutral colors please.  No gladiators, or shoes with 4 inch heels or higher.  My job requires walking through unpaved parking lots occasionally and stilettos are a little much.  Sorry about the bad breakup with the Reg, XOXO C
Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned Reggie.
She is trying to imprison  my ankles now?
More Gladiators?  Really?

Oh look, ONE pair of flats for work.  Oh, nope.  these puppies have rhinestones AND fake pearls.  They should take my junior league meeting from daywear to clubwear, no problem right?  Barf.

Girlfriend needs a new boyfriend, or therapy, STAT.  Clearly.
So as of Monday morning I was ready to give my verdict.  Shoe Dazzle you are Out.  Shoe Fab you are In.  Again.  Until next month when one of you mindf*cks me again.

Calloused and bunioned love,


Sarah RDH said...

I just don't even know what to think about SD anymore. I MIGHT even try SF. (I know, I know. I've mocked in the past...) But really now. I'm pissed at reg bc this is OBVIOUSLY all his fucking fault. I got crap selections too. There is 1 pair I am considering, and I'm too afrid to ask for 5 new selections bc of how she effed me in the A last month.

Kim, if you're reading this, we are women in desperate need of appropriate footwear. Please deliver. We beg you. ENOUGH with the hooker heels, and odd strappy, corky, sueded, and WTF is the blue one? ELASTIC??? Please, stop. We may leave you altogether. I find better shoes at JCPenney (i.e. NOT A SPECIALTY SHOE STORE.)

twononblondes said...

I think I am going to send an anonymous letter to Reggie Bush and BEG him to give her another try. At least until the fall when I don't require as many cute shoes.
And I am so glad you noticed the devil in the form of blue elastic shoes. I couldn't even come up with words.

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