Friday, March 19, 2010

What not to say to a person on a diet

NB1 and I are 2 people in a much larger group participating in a "Biggest Loser" challenge (Larger as in number of people, not necessarily in pounds. Although we do have the lowest BMI's in the group. And we both lost the most during week 1. Being skinny is extra important to us.). Today marks day 7, and thus a weigh in is necessary.

This morning began like most other mornings, I was hit with the urge to stay in bed and face my true calling as a TV show critic, but unfortunately I remembered I had a real job and as I got out of bed, I noticed my stomach flattened out just a little bit more than usual. There may or may not have been a small but tasteful celebration in my mind which included a multicolored fireworks show. I tend to overreact. Then, I remembered it was weigh in day, and suddenly I felt as if my entire body expanded and I suddenly resembled the Fat oompa-loompa bridesmaid from hell I encountered this past weekend (story to come on this crazy bitch in a later post) and I realized today was probably not the day my scale and I became BFFs.

I moped to the bathroom, stripped myself of anything I thought could add extra weight (my watch could totally weight 0.5 pounds, its old and made out of like steel or something) and stepped on the scale praying the number at least didn't go up. I held my breath and looked down, and holy balls I lost 2.5 pounds. I totally could have lost 2.7, but my scale measures in 0.5 pounds, so I assume if I lost 2.7 pounds, it would round to 2.5. I am an accountant, I round numbers all day long.

Anyway, 2.5 pounds was like winning the lottery. I was so excited, I did a little happy dance and jumped in the shower.

Later, after Husband had finally woken up, I stood before him and proudly pronounced "I lost 2.5 pounds, Bitch! What do you think about that?"

Husband replied with a very confused stare, probably because he knows I am not a morning person and rarely even speak before I have a cup of coffee, or large Diet Coke. And then he said the words any wife wants to hear: "Good job, honey that's great. But I never thought you were fat."

Me (in my head) - God I love you. You are so sweet....wait, are you still talking?

He continues with "You are just sturdy." What. The. F. (I totally had to edit NB2. Insert curse words of your choosing here.)

Seriously men, stop when you are ahead. Your response to your girlfriend/wife/mother/any female acquaintance who is openly dieting should be "You look wonderful, why would you want to lose weight?" And when they tell you success stories "That's great, but careful, don't lose too much, you look fantastic as is."

Never. Ever. Use any synonym for fat, including sturdy.

NB2 Response to Toxy McFrenemy Post

I have heard this story before, plus other stories a la McFrenemy, and trust me, she's a certified loon. But what I really want to talk about is the returning of used clothing items. GROSSNESS.

I have returned my fair share of clothing, but I can assure you the clothes I returned were never worn in public. It completely creeps me out that some cheap ass may have previously bought this shirt, worn it to a bar, Febreezed it, and returned it to the store.

But what really, really disturbes is this video from the Today Show. Watch it, and you too will learn what disgusting secret's Victoria has been hiding all these years.

Also, McFrenemy, it was a $20 dress. How cheap are you?

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Adventures of Toxy McFrenemy: The $20 Dress Scandal

First off, I am super excited about our first follower, George’s Mum. It is such a warm and fuzzy feeling knowing that someone else is reading our nonsense and that NB2 and I are not just writing to amuse one another.

Okay, so I have this “friend” whom I have had since we were freshman in high school. So that’s, what like 14 years? God I am old. Anyway, we had been BFF’s for forever, but recently she has turned into a toxic friend (I shall call her Toxy McFrenemy). I thought this was just a rare occurrence since she was getting married and turned all bridezilla on everyone. In fact I am fairly sure she quoted one particular WeTV Bridezilla without even realizing it. (Side note: If you have never seen an episode of Bridezillas I strongly recommend it. It is mindless, make you feel good about yourself entertainment at its finest. I wasn’t kidding when I said I spend all day watching Wedding Sundays marathons.)

So anyway, I figured once she was FINALLY married she would get over herself (seriously, she talked about this wedding non-stop and it wasn’t even all that great. Not at all like NB2’s amazing wedding, where she had a mac and cheese bar and the groomsmen were taking shots at this super nice country club-like place). **NB2 - Aww, thanks! Mac and cheese is awesome, how could I not serve it at the wedding?!?! **I was so wrong. So rather than go on and on about how psycho Toxy is, I decided I would every now and then give you an example of the Adventures of Toxy McFrenemy and you can tell me if I am making this up in my head or if I should somehow sever this 14 year “friendship.” Also, I am not a mean person. I just think some of the things she does are too good not to blog about. Here we go.

Scene: Two other girls and I have thrown a bachelorette party for Toxy in Vegas. After a few hours of drinking in the room and playing games, we are in our hotel room getting ready for our night out on the town.

Me: I am not sure I like this dress I brought. I feel kind of like a cow/slut. Thoughts, ladies?

Nice Friend 1: You could totally pull it off.

Toxy: Umm, I don’t like it. Here try this one that I brought.

Me: Well, okay. (Tries on dress, fits nicely. Notice the tags are still on so I tuck them in the $19.99 dress to get the full effect.) What about this one?

Toxy: Yes, you should wear that one.

Nice Friend 2: Yeah it’s super cute.

Me: Okay, thanks!

Toxy: Why do you still have the tags on? Take them off.

Me: Are you sure? Ok. (happily continues getting ready)

(As we are leaving)

Toxy: Did you throw the tags away?

Me: Yeah I think so. Why?

Toxy: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! I was going to return that dress! Are you going to pay me back for it??!!

Nice Friend 1: Um but you told her to take them off.


Me: Um, that’s fine, I’ll just pay you the $20 for the dress.

Toxy: You better. Plus tax.

Oh Toxy McFrenemy. How I love your snobby cheapness.