Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Life Rule: When it Is Okay To Act Like A Crazy Person

I am going to preface this post by saying that I am sorry to all those bridezillas out there for not understanding your crazy. Because suddenly I am a crazy person. C says that as long as I acknowledge my crazy and know when it is okay to exhibit my crazy then I might have a chance at living a normal life.  See, N and I are in the process of moving in together but at the moment we live about an hour and a half away from each other. And occasionally he has meetings or his phone dies or he works. And this drives me nuts. Because in my head he sees me calling but decides to act all Lady Gaga on my ass.

Here is the exact email exchange between C and I from yesterday:

G: I've completely lost it. I broke up with my “fiancĂ©” over email because he wouldn’t answer when I called, which of course made me paranoid because I’m a crazy person.

C:  Here is when I think you have a green light to be super crazy (all methods 100% tested by me):

1. You, Lucy, your house, or either of your families are in danger, on fire, hurt, sick, dying, etc.
2. No one has heard from him in 24 hrs plus.
3. You do hear from him tonight, but after he has a) gone to a bar with friends, b) after he has returned emails and/or sat on his couch for greater than 5 minutes, or c) acts as if he thought he was calling you and does not let on that you have called him.

I liken myself to a complete psycho in terms of the no return call issue, which B is well aware of.  I send text messages and leave voicemails. If I know he is out at a bar and doesnt answer, I have been known to call 20 times in a row. You know, just in case he didnt hear the phone before and suddenly the bar noise dropped and he hears the ring. My argument is "what if it was an emergency?" to which he replies, "Was it? So you are the wife who calls wolf?" Equals.
G: Here is why I think I am allowed to act crazy. You be the judge:

Tuesday morning: No call. No answering of calls.

Tuesday afternoon: Still no call and no answering of calls. It has been officially 24 hours. I send break up email and leave breakup message to cover all bases.
Tuesday at 4:30pm: No response to any attempts to contact. I feel fully justified in my decision to break up and begin contemplating sending him ring in mail except I don’t even know where he is working this week or if he is working at all so grand gesture of hatred will likely go unnoticed. Feeling of emptiness ensues.

According to C, I was allowed to act crazy and proceeded to continue to call my fiance multiple times in a row in case he could not hear the phone or he set it down and came back to it for a half second and I happened to be calling at that exact time. And in case you are wondering, he did eventually call me with the reasoning "I was going to call when I got up but you seemed mad so..." Fiance's are the worst.


P.S. Yes, now you know my crazy. But being ignored is the one thing I go nuts over and overall I am pretty normal so I think it is allowed.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

I'm Back!

Thanks to C very much for holding down the fort while I was vacationing. I am sorry I have been a terrible blogger person.  I have been back for about a week actually but there was so much going on that I couldn't possibly be expected to organize my thoughts in a manner that would make sense to anyone who does not have adult A.D.D. Consider this the first of many posts to update you on the recent haps in my life:

I'm getting married...finally! N and I were on vacation from Saturday to Wednesday and, as we all know, N is not exactly good at keeping secrets so I was well aware that the ring went on vacation with us. Which is why when he hadn't asked me to marry him by Tuesday I had a minor panic attack and sent a few psychotic emails to C who thankfully reminded me that I should probably not attack him with a plastic fork if I don't want my proposal story to end with a trip to the hospital.

We took a day trip to the Bahamas that day and by lunch I was ready to snap and he was nervously rehearsing his lines in his head, which made for a very awkward meal. After I had eaten though, I had come to terms it wasn't going to happen and my blood sugar level had evened out (I get ridiculously cranky when I am hungry). We went down to the beach (which was gorgeous) and I started setting up camp, slathering on sunblock and getting out of my cover-up. As I turn around to offer sunblock to N, I find him down on both knees with the ring I thought he would never give me. The whole week I had been waiting for it, expecting it. He somehow found the one moment I had forgotten all about it. And even though I knew it was going to happen, I still could never have imagined how it would feel to have someone ask you to spend the rest of your life with them and how it would feel to so willingly say yes.

But enough of that...I should be lucky that he didn't run considering the day before I seriously threw a tantrum that would make a sleepy two-year-old proud. We were looking for something to eat for lunch and along the beach there are about 1,000 restaurants all serving the same menu. As you walk along these restaurants they have girls that get all up in your face trying to get your to eat at their restaurant. And its hot. And I'm starving. And there are people in face. Finally, one unsuspecting girl shoves her menu in my face and asks "Can I help you? Would you like to see a menu? What would you like to eat?" And I lose it. I snap. "I.DON'T.WANT.ANYTHING.FROM.YOU. GET.OUT.OF.MY.FACE!" N looks at me like I am not me, but some super bitch from hell that somehow took over my body. At least he knew enough to get me in some air conditioning and put some good in my stomach asap. Which is reason enough to marry him.



PS - I promise not to turn this into some type of wedding blog where I do nothing but blog about color palettes and bridesmaid drama and wedding gowns...unless of course it is entertaining.