This post is held together losely by hygiene

Today I finally worked up the nerve to tell the girl from 2 offices over that her hygiene practices were not okay.  I realize this is a touchy subject and I would have been happy to leave the issue unspoken, however my throat was getting scratchy from the vom each time I witnessed this. 
You see, this girl and I cross paths in the bathroom on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day.  And the small two stall bathroom affords us the misfortune of knowing exactly who is in the bathroom and whether or not washing of hands occurs.  Typically, I could really care less if you don't want to wash your hands after you go to the bathroom.  I will pass silent judgment on you, but it is your prerogative.  Except in this instance where to exit the bathroom I must pull the door handle.  Not to mention we just paid a small fortune to install hand dryers to help with our green initiative, so we are all trying to not use the paper hand towels.  But after seeing this girl use the restroom, check her hair in the mirror and exit the bathroom by grasping the door handle with her unwashed hands over and over, I have had to resort to using at least one towel to pull the door open and exit.  And then I have a trash can full of towels in my office at the end of the day. 
I am really grossed out by this. 
And then she totally crapped on my hygienic high ground today. 
I walked into the bathroom after lunch and she was washing her hands.  I even saw her use soap.
As I shut the stall door, I was suddenly overcome with relief that I didn't have to be that asshole who publicly brings up the fact that she is plain gross.
And then, after washing her hands, she dried them in the air dryer.  And then?  She entered the other stall, relieved herself, left the stall, checked her hair in the mirror and walked out.
The F?
Who washes their hands before going to the bathroom only to not wash them after? 
I was so incredibly shocked by this I lost all nerve to say anything.  And I continued vom fest 2010.  Except, not the vom fest that causes weight loss, which is also annoying.
Anywho. 
I apologize for sharing that nightmare, but really? This is backwards, no?

In other news, I have a hair appointment Saturday for the first time in 5 months.  My hair is a rats nest of stringiness.
I figure since I turn 30 in 9 months, and I have a professional job (although I no longer have to wear suits, thank God) I should start looking like I give a crap with my appearance. 
Here is where I need help. 
I have a lot of fine hair.  And is hangs straight.  Occasionally, my hair bends one way or another, but basically doesn't curl.  Except for when I spray it within an inch of the ozone.  And I don't want to single handedly speed up global warming. 
Here is a picture of me from my wedding rehearsal so you can see my face shape.  It is blurry because I cut and paint in MS Paint. Old School Baby.

Also, you should probably know I have like 20% control over my hair.  My stylist has done my hair since 7th grade and I trust her implicitly.  And she knows this, so if she is not on board, it isn't happening.  Case in point: last April I asked for bangs.  I had no bangs when I left.

Are you a cat?

So last night I unknowingly participated in the dentist-given-hallucinatory drugs. 

Let me back up...

I spent all weekend in and out of consciousness on the couch. The third time I fell asleep mid-sentence was apparently B's first clue that these weren't just naps.  I love a good nap, but rarely ever *need* a nap.  I needed 5 over Saturday and Sunday apparently.

Monday at work, I started to feel my day go straight into slow motion.  Complete with voices lowering a few octaves.  I remember working until about 7, heading home, and then? Nothing.

Tuesday I call B from work and tell him I just want to catch up because we didn't get to talk last night.  He corrects me.  Apparently we *talked* for quite a while, and I continued to *talk* all night.  According to B, I witnessed a helicopter crash, the dog needed to go to the vet, and something about the car selling cupcakes.  I must be busy in my alternate universe.  I blame it on the potentially fatal flu I am convinced I am coming down with.

Last night, still feeling flu-ish, and also having just welcomed in my monthly *original sin*, (B's term, not mine), I crawl into bed and turn on the DVRed Raising Hope.  B missed the premier last week, but finds the show hilarious, which I think causes him to forget to confiscate the remote when the show ends.  He gets up for a second to get water and I see my chance to start Glee.
I ask nicely when he returns if I can watch a few minutes until I fall asleep.  He agrees.  I think at this point he realized my psychotic dreams were sure to be entertaining enough he could suffer through a few minutes of Glee.
Here is where the hallucinating begins again:
Just after Britney finishes singing Britney and Asks Uncle Jesse "Are you a cat?" I hear a faint man giggle. 
I avoid looking at him, because I don't want to spoil the moment.  And I also realize I am probably just hearing things through my medicine induced lethargy.
Then, as I start to fade into dreamworld (sorry Glee, but the meds were STRONG), I hear Finn say to Rachel, "Are you asking me to choose between you and football?" After she responds, I distinctly hear B mumble, "Well that isn't fair.  How could she ask him that?"
Oh Em Gee my husband is involved in Glee.  How strong are these drugs?
When the show ended, I took a chance to find out whether or not this fake version of my husband was a figment of my intoxication or if he was real.

Thanks for letting me watch all of Glee.  That was very nice of you, I know it isn't your favorite show.

I don't mind.  It is actually a good show once you get past the strangeness of guys breaking into song in football pads. 

Oh, well good then.

Clearly there was a chemical spill near my office on Monday that unleashed gallons of dentist happy juice into the air. 

I sure hope it doesn't wear off soon.

Everything I never wanted to know I learned on Facebook

I am not perfect.  This I know and readily admit.  I have many faults, one being my penchant for gossip and unquenchable desire to know the story behind everything.

 

I have been trying to keep my thoughts and judgments out of other people's business.  I have tried to not bring up any gossip unless it is good news about someone that can be construed as sharing in their excitement.

 

Facebook is killing me.

 

• I know that an acquaintance of mine is due to have her 2nd child any day now, and I also know what he son had for dinner tonight.
• I know that another acquaintance's newborn son is sick, and I feel awful about knowing that.  But I wish her and the baby nothing but the best.
• I know when the latest engagement occurs.
• I see pictures from weddings that I wasn't able to attend.
• I know what my ex is doing on any given day.
• I know that two former classmates hooked up at our class reunion last year while one of the two was still in a relationship.
• I know that entirely too many people in this world do not understand the correct usage of there, they're, and their.
• I know people log a lot of hours on farmville when they should probably be working.

 

These are things that I can live with and not feel the great urge to gossip about.

 

What I can't live with and simultaneously try to be a good person? The Oversharers.

 

The guy who has an affair on MY friend.  Who, on the very day the divorce is finalized changes his formerly hidden relationship status to "in a serious relationship" with the other woman.  The guy who boasted of his 1 year anniversary with this same woman when his marriage failed only 10 months before.  The guy who has now proposed to this woman.  The woman who leaves messages on his status decrying her luck at finding such a classy and wonderful man. 

 

The girl, who I can't place from my past but who befriended me.  The girl who over the late summer months went on a status update frenzy posting about how it is never okay to hit someone, and how it is a strong woman who walks away from a bad relationship.  Her status changed from in a relationship to single in between these posts.  Daily posts were pro-female voicing how she was better off without that loser.  Then today she reveals she is engaged.  And none of her other friends seem surprised in their posts?!?

 

It is my *friends* like the above who make daily posts that send my brain off to crazy land while I try and figure out how their lives play out.  It takes emails from Gina to remind me that it is not appropriate to email these people and ask, why in the name of monkeys are you airing out your life decisions.  But, while you are airing out these happenings, could you pretty please explain more because, seriously, you are giving my overactive imagination just enough rope...

 

It makes me very happy that I was not apprised of such social networks while I was dating.  The *official* relationship status on Facebook has me utterly confused.  In my life, we had the DTR (determine the relationship) talk prior to using the term boyfriend or girlfriend.  Do you now ask the other person if you are facebook official, or do you wait for them to change their status first?  And how do you deal with the friend status after a breakup?  Do you stay friends?  Do you block your ex?  How many days do you leave pictures up?  Oh the insanity.

 

I am not complaining as without facebook I would feel completely out of the touch with the world.  Also, I would miss such gems as the *like* button of which my favorite use was when a friend's status was *liked* when he went from being in a relationship to being single.  Nothing says, "Dude that girl was a lifesuck" more than liking a breakup. 

 

What I need?  Is a way to subtly convince these people to write a blog so I can get to the bottom of this madness.  Without them knowing I care of course.

 

Is that too much to ask?

 

I am the only one that feels this way?

Quick. How many phone numbers do YOU know by heart?

Do you remember when the sole source of telephone communication was the home phone? 
I remember being so very very excited that my parents gave me my own phone line in high school.  That same phone line is now the fax line for my Dad's business.  (Justin R. Timberlake faxes important shit daily.)
I can easily remember when my friends in high school had pagers because cell phones were like iPads... the cool new thing that you wanted but your parents told you were too expensive for a child your age.  And yes, I am looking through my cheap ass rose colored glasses and am pretending that 80% of students at my old high school do not actually own iPads, humor me, I am old and cheap.
Now?  I can barely function without the use of my cell phone.  My husband told me in the nicest way possible that he could that I may have a slight problem with technology rage and that normal people do not react to slow internet uploads with such fury.  Personally, I feel that he is overreacting to my overreacting, but that is a post for another time.
My beloved loved trusty Blackberry was murdered over Labor Day weekend.  Actually the judge ruled it involuntary phoneslaughter, but added on depraived indifference to appease me.  Regardless, I was awarded little for the pain and suffering caused by hours of emailing and adding lost phone numbers into my new phone. 
I honestly know 5 numbers by heart.  3 of those belong to my parents and 1 to my husband.  Sad. (Justin R Timberlake's number is NOT the 5th, but hopefully soon.)
So, here it is about 3 weeks later and I am about to go through this misery AGAIN. 
I bought a Garminfone because I figured getting a phone and a Gramin map direction thing all in one was a sweet deal and for once in my life I might have some cool tech gadget that none of my friends had.
Joke's on me.  This phone sucks ass.
The phone has, in it's lifetime dropped 20+ calls, most of which were to my mother and I could look past that, but really?  Also, rings when it wants to.  Randomly locks itself and wont let me back in. 
I HATE YOU PHONE.

So, question is now... what kind of phone should I get?
*Hint, if you answer iPhone I will come through the computer and strangle you... my company won't use iPhones for work email, blah blah blah.
Help... anyone?  I would really like something with cool applications, but honestly if I can keep a call connected 100% of time I won't complain.
Also, Glee?  How I have missed you.
And you too Justin R Timberlake.