How I found out my dog was smarter than me

Or at least more frugally-minded.  Is that right?  Or Frugal minded.  Or cheap.  Whatev.

Our lack of Shoesday posts can be chalked up to one of two things. 
1. We have had it up to HERE with the shoe cults, or
2. We are lazy.

I will take 1 AND 2 for the win Alex. 

I haven't quit shoe clandom yet, but if I don't drink the kool-aid soon, I imagine they will off me sooner rather than later. 

I bought a pair of shoes in July because I didn't follow the rules.  Because the rules were so super clear shoe selling people!   Which rule? The 5 days no takesies backsies even if you ask for a new selection pay up now bull crap.  That rule.  CoughNigerianScamCough.  What, wrong country?

I thought I actually liked them.  They went with outfits I didn't already have a designated shoe for.
I wore them to work twice and both times I came home with unfortunately putrid smelling wet feet nurturing blisters that resembled oil coated dead jelly fish in the Gulf.  But I wanted to like them.  I really did.  So much that when I cleaned out my closet, (well let's just say I picked up the crap on the floor), I refrained from tossing them in the Give Away pile. 

Then one evening as I recovered from a terribly hard day of playing on the interwebs and emailing Gina, as I stalked people through Facebook and watched a rerun of Bones for the 4th time, I heard this weird scraping sound.  Scraping like fingernails on rubber.  Cause you know, clearly you are annoyed daily by that sound...

And there was Blue chowing down on the heel of my shoe.  I would take a picture, but I left my camera at my in-laws.  Likely story, I know.

And that was the last pair of shoes I have bought from the Bieber Lover and the Other Shoe Gang.  And the last one I intend to buy. 
I know, I know, the cost of gas driving to the shoe store plus the shoe prices and often sparse selection of non rubbery, non-velcro including shoes surely will cause me to eat my words.  And you might be right.  But I am officially on sabbatical from online shoe buying. 

And also in the market for a rubber based toy for the dog.  We are now down 1 pair of shoes and 2 garden hoses.  Also a rug and 5 rubber balls.  And a partridge in a pear tree.

Suggestions?

I am the Robert Langdon in the world of Shoe Dazzle

Sooooo... I cracked the code.
 
ShoeDazzle sent me my replacement selection.
And, ohmyfreakingwordhalelujiahpraisebabyJesus they sent me more than one pair of acceptable shoes.

But...

Its ShoeDazzle, so of course there is a but.  What, you were expecting success?

The 2 shoes I really really liked were sold out in my size.  As were a pair of decent shoes I liked, but already have something similar too.  They sent me 3 out of 5 SOLD OUT shoes. 
WTF? 
What have I done to deserve this?

Moral of the story: use small words related to what you want.  Like peep-toe, conservative, casual.  Do not use the words tranny, streetwalker, or cork, unless of course you are a streetwalking tranny who favors cork.  But be prepared to still find yourself disappointed that the stylists will figure out exactly what you want and offer you the once in a lifetime chance to covet the shoes without the chance to actually wear them.

I can't seem to form a coherent thought, let alone compose a themed post, so I figured that today we would play "Fun with online news reports."

But first, since we have been failing in our frequency of Shoesday posts, I thought I would do a brief shoe update.  I am no longer drinking the ShoeFab ShoeDazzle kool aid.  Actually, I am more like binge drinking the kool-aid, so consider June (so far) as a non-imbibing Tuesday.  I got crap. 

My replacement ShoeFab gave me

of which I am considering, however the website says these are red, but my eyes say these are an atomic shade of fashion suicide, so I am on the fence. Naturally.

I did perform an experiment with ShoeDazzle though.  In my "response/comment" section of my replacement email, I decided to only write "conservative." My theory is that our nice little friend from Shoe Dazzle spends his time reading blogs rather than reading comments and therefore a computer program looks for key words only.  So when I said "NO CORK!!!" the computer read "cork" and ignored the "no" like a acne ridden 8th grader selling hair extensions at a mall kiosk. 

I will let you know what happens.

Anywho, back to the news stories gripping Americans... or just me.

2 Year old Indonesian smoker.

Ya, you heard that right.  A fat nugget baby in Indonesia is addicted to cancer sticks and smokes upward of 40 per day.  Let's discuss, shall we.  Here are my votes for the most *disturbing* aspects of the story:

1. How the F did this kid learn to blow smoke rings?  I was an honors high school graduate who couldn't figure out how to inhale properly (granted, I give up on things easily, so I tried like twice) and this baby who can't even tie a shoe or write his name can blow rings?  That is kind of awesome in a seriously sick and perveted way.

2. The kid is HEFTY.  Like 10 year old weight range fat at the age of 2.  What kind of cigarettes is he smoking?  I thought smokes caused appetite suppression.  Clearly he only smokes when he nurses, and he needs to consider hitting the bottle like no more than 4 times a day.

3. The article says he is a product of his environment.  And that environment is what exactly?  The 5th ring of hell?  This is why you don't bring babies to bars. 

4. The Mother doesn't know how to handle his cravings because he goes into a complete shit-fit when she denies him his after-boob smoke.  He is going to be a holy terror as a teenager.

Supreme Court on Miranda Rights

I usually abstain from discussing politics, generally because I think most people are stupid and I hate to argue with stupid people.  But as I don't have much else to say today, here are my thoughts on this ruling.

My understanding is that after being read Miranda rights, you must verbally state that you wish to remain silent and/or ask for an attorney.

1. Law and Order just went off the air after 20 seasons and has been televised on like 10 channels in the last 10 years.  If you haven't seen an episode I don't know what to think of you, but anyone who has watched an hour or so of some of the best television ever knows that you have to ASK for an attorney.  Like, use your big convict words and ASK.

2. The cops can question you all they want about whatever crime you are being accused of UNLESS you ask for an attorney *I am like 70% certain of this* so by keeping your mouth shut and not saying anything means they can keep going.  If you ASK for an attorney, they shut the hell up.  Or get really mad and slam the table while a skinny psychologist gives you the once over from the other side of the two-way mirror.

3. You can remain silent in 2 ways.  By actually not saying anything, or by saying you invoke your right to not say anything.  Meaning, not say anything more than you are invoking your right. 

This is not rocket science people.  It shouldn't take the Supreme Court to tell you how to NOT admit to a crime you did or *didn't* do.  What is really strange is that I was fairly certain that Adam Schiff and Co. proved this like 4 years ago.  Keep up America. 

Bethenny Frankel and her unnatural post-baby body

I am not pregnant, nor have I ever been, but I want to stab her for this.  Seriously?  She looked better at 8 months preggo than I do today. 

Speidi separation

Can we say publicity stunt?  Yes, it has been 20 minutes since we last heard Tweedle Dumbshit and Post-Op Barbie tried to have one of the 3 people who care arrested for, well, caring, so it comes as no surprise that a press release was written to announce their separation.  Oh, and Queen of Plastic has a new reality show filming involving her and a roommate that is not her husband, so it was only a matter of time.  Oh oh and she mentioned the Bearded One's propensity to create bad press, so it is only natural to create more press of your own to discuss your bad press.  I feel a migraine coming on...

**

While Google-ing Spencer Pratt to find the link to this article, I came across this. 

Someone get that girl some Beano.  She is doing asshole yoga in public.

The Bombshell is as dumb as she looks

Cheating puts food on the table. 

Also, you say racist, I say tomato...

I must have missed the explanation of why she is called a Bombshell.  Anyone?

And on a serious note, there is the oil rig explosion in the Gulf of Mexico which is leaking a truly horrific amount of oil into the Gulf.  Born and raised in Texas, I spent weeks every summer at the beach, and granted we have always been on the wrong side of the Mississippi to be blessed with white beaches, but our golden brown beaches were just as wonderful.  I am truly heartbroken over these events and am horrified of what this leak may do to my beloved Gulf.  As the daughter of an oilman, I can say nothing more than I wish peace for the families of those who died in the explosion, a speedy recovery to the fishing industry essentially shuttered by this disaster, and pray that my beach will heal and be cherished by my kids and their kids for years and years.  Also, I hope there is a special place in Hades for the asshat who made the call to continue operations rather than follow procedure and cease drilling when the problem was first found.  You sir (or ma'am)... there are no words.

Am I missing any other *breaking news* items that deserve comment? 

Oops, almost forgot:

This guy is a douche, and possibly a criminal. Again.