Sunday, March 28, 2010

Note to Self

Dear Me,

You are not 22 years old anymore. In fact, you haven't been 22 for quite some time. Even though you think you are still young and vibrant and resilient, you are not.

And so when your friends call you up to say "Would you like to play in a sand volleyball tournament on Sunday?" you have to remember the following things:

1. You have not played volleyball since middle school, which was 14 years ago. That's a shitload of years ago. And yes, you may have been the tallest of all the girls and therefore the best player back then, but that's because most of them were still going to puberty. You, on the other hand, had full grown knockers (yes, I said knockers) by the age of 11 and tried to hide them from your mom so that you wouldn't have to go through the embarrassing task of bra shopping and instead chose for them to flop around during gym class until they started hurting your back.

2. You should not under any circumstances dive for the ball. This is not negotiable. Not only will it take you weeks to get the sand out of your ass, your ankle has still not fully healed from the karaoke incident. Your team sucks anyway and diving for the ball will just cause you more pain the next day for no reason. I understand there is beer involved, but that only numbs the pain while you are drinking it and you cannot drink beer perpetually until your wounds heal because that is socially unacceptable.

3. You have not gotten off of your lazy ass in about a month and your diet consists exclusively of boxed mac and cheese. How you are winning your Biggest Loser contest is an effing mystery and has absolutely nothing to do with how in shape you are (or in this case how in shape you aren't).

Since you have failed to acknowledge the above, you will without a doubt be sore and tomorrow you will not be able to walk around like a normal human, but like one that does not have control of her bowel movements and just shat her pants. In fact, you know that throbbing you feel in forearms and groin? That, my friend, is early onset soreness reserved only for the laziest-ass-sittingest of people and is punishment for thinking you are some kind of volleyball all-star. Please remember these items for the next time you want to act like a competitive bitch.

Thank you,



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