Wanted: A 4 Day Stomach Flu

Last year, Gina and I were on a self-imposed diet consisting of dehydrated food particles and yogurt. True Story. This is an actual picture of an actual meal we convinced ourselves was “pretty decent. Almost like real food.”

This is the Three Cheese Pasta. The smell alone made me want to vomit when I took the picture today. Gross.

Yes, we ate this on a daily basis. Actually, here are the two favorite meals of which comprised almost my entire 30 day order. Yes, math geniuses, this means I had each meal 2-3 times a week, at least.

OMG, my throat just closed up out of sheer fear that I would go down this dieting path again. Ugh.
Well, actually, as gross as it looks, I lost like 8 pounds in 3 weeks, which is super amazing for me. I typically go on diets and lose 3 pounds then hover at the same weight until I forget I am on a diet and go onwards and upwards from there.
My personal reason behind the diet was my wedding which took place last spring. The diet did its job, but it should have come with a warning label that read CAUTION: by consuming real found in nature foods, such as enchiladas and margaritas, will cause you to gain back at least 2 times the weight you worked so hard to lose through this diet. Which brings me to my current dilemma.
Next weekend, I have to shove my spanx clad rolls into this dress:

Picture this in a shiny taupe color

Actually, this bridesmaid dress is actually fairly forgiving, but I can’t take a picture of me in it yet because it is currently being re-altered to fit my ginormous bazongas. No really, for the first time in my almost 29 years my boobs are causing a problem. They have grown a whole cup size which is like 3 whole sizes for normal people boobs, and they have hurt like hell for two straight months. So painful in fact I was convinced I was pregnant (the adult onset acne also caused several friends to convince me that I might be with-child), which I am NOT according to EPT, but for some reason I feel like they weigh an extra 10 pounds and have kept me from sleeping on my stomach for most of 2010.
*Also I refrained from a real life pic as the dress is about 1 shade away from my twilight inspired skin tone, and until I go visit the creepy man with the spray tan wand next week, you are better off not seeing me in this dress.
Anywho, I can spanx my way into this dress for the actual wedding, but I really want to wear this dress for the rehearsal dinner:

I MS Painted the COPS-eque blacked-out eyes. Sorry for the rough version. Also, I am not Gigantor, the cutie next to me is my niece.

I wore this at my rehearsal dinner. (is it tacky to wear it to another rehearsal dinner? Side note: I have been sworn away from shopping for a month, so no new clothes) I got a ton of complements on the color and the dress, and haven’t worn it since. I love it. The problem is that the above picture of me was taken post diet last year. A whole ten, *cough*sixteen*cough*, pounds ago. Right now I look like this:

Please don't judge. And don't stare too long at the pasty white skin tone, it causes cornea searing!

No bueno.

So basically, I am begging you for ideas of where I can find a temporary magic pill. Or a tapeworm. I am willing to consider almost anything.
Also, I took this picture today at Baskin Robbins (which I know is the reason I need a miracle right now, whatev). It’s called the Double Header cone. Seriously.