Friday, March 26, 2010

Irrational Fears, Devil Children and Vaginas

I have had this irrational fear that I smell bad for about 4 years.

It all started when my friend Maria and I were babysitting her 4 year old evil niece. We were all sitting around watching Top Model (because 4 year olds should know early on how to smile with their eyes). Out of nowhere, Devil Child comes up to me all innocent puppy eyes, sniffs me, and says:

“You smell like gina.”

That’s right. Like vagina without the va. I was horrified! Who says things like that?! .

Okay NB1, I tell myself, don’t freak out. This is a child and, although she is clearly the long-lost spawn of Shannen Doherty and Scott Disick, I surely must have misunderstood, right?

Me: What was that sweetie? This is me trying to butter up the Devil Child.
DC: You. Smell. Like. Gi. Na.

I full on panicked. I ask Maria if she agrees but she is laughing so uncontrollably that she has started crying and both of them at this point are jumping up and down, pointing their fingers, chanting “You smell like gina! You smell like gina!”

I hadn't been this humiliated since 3rd grade when I wanted with all my heart and soul to hairspray my bangs so that they fanned out oh so coolly like Kelly Kapowski and my mom wouldn’t let me b/c she said I would appreciate it later in life and so then all the girls made fun of me for having boring straight bangs.

I decided I should just go home at that point because if I stayed any longer I would bite that child’s face off and, although it would probably be a totally understandable crime of passion, that damn Nancy Grace would be all over it.

Fastforward to last year when I went to a party where all of Maria’s family was invited. Mind you, ever since this dreadful incident I have showered at least twice daily, I carry deodorant with me at all times, and I have a Costco-sized supply of Summer’s Eve in my bathroom (Too much information? No? Good.). So we are all at this party and Maria tells the story of how DC stole my confidence in one statement. I have heard Maria tell this story several times over the life of our friendship. This time though, DC’s mom is there, laughing at her obviously hilarious and witty child to the point where there are tears in her eyes. Then she says something that changed my life.

DC Mom: There’s a girl in her class whose mom is named Gina. Yes, she pronounced gina like vagina without the va. Who names their child gina?

Me: Seriously? Her name is Gina as in vagina? I needed clarification.
DC Mom: Yes.
Me: Oh………So…what does she smell like?”
DC Mom: Cucumber Melon.

This liberated me. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my armpits. And although some habits are hard to break, like carrying deodorant and showering like a maniac, I have learned to relax a bit and not be so self-conscious. At least about how I smell.

I have also decided, as I was writing this post, that my new alias will now be Gina. So from here on out NB1 will be known as Gina as in vagina without the va.

Love, Gina


Sarah RDH said...

OMG I literally laughed out loud!!! Thats fucking hysterical!!!!

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