Friday, April 16, 2010

Pictures Are The Devil

So I had an entire post written for today about how I quit my job last week and how I keep promising people in current job that I will work as hard as I can for these last two weeks, when in reality I have no intention of doing any substantial work.  And how I fear this attitude will cause Karma to bitch slap me with adult acne followed by a plague of crickets and maybe I will even be struck by lightning.  But last night, who am I kidding, yesterday, during work while I was on facebook I had an ugly realization.  I am the human equivalent of this:

The view from straight ahead gives the illusion of width Kate Moss would envy.  The building, not me obviously, although my baby boobs blow hers out of the water any day.

Then you change the angle slightly and BAM:

The backside is like the Kim Kardashian of buildings.  You never see it coming, but you can't escape it walking away.

Exhibit A and B:


I am pleased with these two photos as A) my spray tan looks decent, B) I don't look as intoxicated as I really was and C) a world class Carnie Weight Guesser would probably put me at something near my actual weight.

Exhibit C:

WTF happened here? Let me point out a few *problem* areas I was completely unaware of:
1. Arm fat.  Seriously?
2. No, I am not pregnant.  I may eat like I am with child, but I am not.  The good news is, my friend R said he thought every single one of us were pregnant as we walked down the aisle in this dress.  I choose to blame the dress as well.
3. That?  Is my ass.  Just like the Flatiron, I have quite a lot hidden back there.  My ass applied for its own zip code this morning, although seeing as the IRS says they don't know me, I assume the city will deny my zip code application as well. 
So this is what I have learned. I am perfectly fine with my self in real life, but I think Kodak has it in for me.  It appears as though I need to take a class in the *diva stance* in order to maximize my assets and minimize my ass flaws. 
Somehow though, I just don't think it is realistic to stand like this in wedding photos:

Apparently my only *good* side is the front side.

Chunky hugs,


Becky Mochaface said...

Whatevs, you look gorgeous. You manage to pull off that color well which when I had to wear that color in a wedding many years ago, it didn't look nearly as good on me.

twononblondes said...

So sweet. Thanks! The tan was a necessity in that color.
Not sure why bridesmaid dresses are still made in that color?

Sarah RDH said...

No, you should DEF. stand like in any and all wedding photos. Just for funsies. And to show off your inner Kim K.

And I'm pretty sure the all bridesmaid dresses make everyone look like they're pregnant, or worse. And what's funny, is EVERY SINGLE bride EVER tells her maids- "I found your dresses. They're really cute, and they're simple, so you can wear them again, and they'll flatter everyone..."

No one EVER wears them again. And they do NOT flatter everyone. (Except the ones I picked out REALLY DID. I swear.) lol

twononblondes said...

I agree with Sarah RDH. You would be my new hero if you posed like that. I kind of love that you compared yourself to a building. And I definitely love the evil laugh from Sarah after saying her dresses are re-wearable.

Post a Comment