Thursday, September 2, 2010

Stabby rant disguised as Throwback Thursday

You remember when you were young and used to pull stupid pranks on unsuspecting people?
OK, remember when you were young and used to toilet paper people's houses? 
Ya, someone out there remembers this.
You know how you purposely determined which one of your friend's parents would be the least likely to flip the F out and call the cops prior to your selection of target houses to which, ahem, damage property with quilted double-ply softness? 
Or which house you could call after 10pm and ask for someone whose name sounded *almost exactly* like a venereal disease?
You know how you pulled these pranks on people YOUR OWN AGE????

...breathe in, breathe out, count to ten...

What the shit is wrong with teenagers today?  Can't play with people your own size, eh?  Have to bring in total strangers into your world of no responsibility, adderall sustaining, no PE class required lives, do you now?

On my way back from a lovely lunch with Gina and some other friends, about a mile from my office I turned onto a residential side street, in the ghetto where I work.  A narrow street with parked cars on both sides, as I was about half way to the stop sign a truck turned onto the same street going in the opposite direction.  He pulled behind a parked car to let me pass, and as I passed I showed my gratitude the Texas way... I raised my fingers (all, not the middle one only) off the steering wheel in a *waving* manner and nodded my head.  About half a second later as I passed this car... WAPOW.  I jumped and then looked to my left and saw slimy grossness on my window.  The POS had an even more childish/worthless POS in the backseat who EGGED my car.
I am twenty f*ing nine years old and my car was egged. 
I feel certain there are better ways to protest the eggs will put you in the hospital thanks to bad food regulation movement.  But apparently donating spoiled eggs to your children is the route parents have taken in my town.  Awesome.
In the 2 minutes it took me to get to the office parking lot from the moment of impact, the egg had baked to a hard boiled state on the side of my car.  Thanks Texas weather.  I drove the entire way home after work with the window down because, FYI, when you try and remove almost dry egg white and yolk from a car window, it smears and becomes cloudy and completely opaque.
I wanted to turn the car around and go pull them out of the truck one by one by their ears, but then I remembered that A) I am a 29 year old woman, not my Grandfather and B) I work in the ghetto... these people probably had other *weapons* in the car besides eggs.  I also considered suing, but you know, I have no idea who these punks are and I am busy and shit. 
Then I called B who went bat shit crazy telling me how the paint would come off my car if the egg dried and I had to do something about it right.this.second.  Way to calm me down there bud.  I knew I married you for a reason.
So the moral of the story is... I guess.. teenagers should be chained to their basements/desks/kitchen tables until they are forced off the parent's payroll.
Bonus moral?  Two crazies in one marriage causes unnecessary stress.Most of the egg came off in the car wash by the way, but I was a nervous wreck all afternoon anyway.

Happy long weekend you guys.  And stay away from eggs.

Monday, August 30, 2010

The Man Pleaser

Get your mind out of the gutter.
The man pleaser is food.

In honor of Labor Day, three day weekends, and the start of football season I thought I would pass along a life saver.
Starting Saturday, I am assured random boy-men will be stopping by my house at any given time to plant their, hopefully showered, asses on my couch to watch football.  I too like football, and because I would rather watch the game than become their short order cook, I keep the ingredients for The Man Pleaser available at all times.

Cream Cheese
No Bean Chili.

Shredded Cheddar.


Seriously.  Try this one the next time you need a dip:

Smear softened cream cheese (2 8oz pkgs) on the bottom of a 9x13 pan.  Pour the can (or 2 if you like chili a lot) over the top of the cream cheese.  Cover the chili with shredded cheddar.  I use the whole bag, but you can portion out a cup or so if you want.

Bake at 350 uncovered for 20 minutes.  The cheese should be melted and bubbly.

Dip with your fav chips.

Men happy.  Me/You happy. 

You are welcome.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The day the internet news sites died

Are there really no more trustworthy news sources out there?

I gave up on CNN a few months back when I read 3 articles in one day with the exact same story only with different titles. 

Fow News?  I don't remember when I gave that up.

Huffington Post?  There were no less than 2 stories on Elizabeth Hurley that didn't involve her significant other with a hooker.  Relevancy?  Also, a recent article mentioned a photo of Bethenney Frankel was the first such shot since Bryn's birth.  Um, no, she was on the cover of a magazine 3 weeks post baby.  C'mon Huff Post.

But today is the day the internet news died for me. (and no spell check, I will NOT capitalize "internet")

People Magazine, oh how I will miss you.  But seriously.  I read this this morning on your website.

Hair cascading over her shoulders... WTF?  Are we practicing for the Emmy recaps?  It was a MUG SHOT you douchenugget.  Do NOT ruin my Sunday morning reading with your delusional grandeur of romance novel fiction writing.


Does no one take the news seriously anymore?