Thursday, June 3, 2010

I am the Robert Langdon in the world of Shoe Dazzle

Sooooo... I cracked the code.
ShoeDazzle sent me my replacement selection.
And, ohmyfreakingwordhalelujiahpraisebabyJesus they sent me more than one pair of acceptable shoes.


Its ShoeDazzle, so of course there is a but.  What, you were expecting success?

The 2 shoes I really really liked were sold out in my size.  As were a pair of decent shoes I liked, but already have something similar too.  They sent me 3 out of 5 SOLD OUT shoes. 
What have I done to deserve this?

Moral of the story: use small words related to what you want.  Like peep-toe, conservative, casual.  Do not use the words tranny, streetwalker, or cork, unless of course you are a streetwalking tranny who favors cork.  But be prepared to still find yourself disappointed that the stylists will figure out exactly what you want and offer you the once in a lifetime chance to covet the shoes without the chance to actually wear them.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I can't seem to form a coherent thought, let alone compose a themed post, so I figured that today we would play "Fun with online news reports."
But first, since we have been failing in our frequency of Shoesday posts, I thought I would do a brief shoe update.  I am no longer drinking the ShoeFab ShoeDazzle kool aid.  Actually, I am more like binge drinking the kool-aid, so consider June (so far) as a non-imbibing Tuesday.  I got crap. 

My replacement ShoeFab gave me

of which I am considering, however the website says these are red, but my eyes say these are an atomic shade of fashion suicide, so I am on the fence. Naturally.
I did perform an experiment with ShoeDazzle though.  In my "response/comment" section of my replacement email, I decided to only write "conservative." My theory is that our nice little friend from Shoe Dazzle spends his time reading blogs rather than reading comments and therefore a computer program looks for key words only.  So when I said "NO CORK!!!" the computer read "cork" and ignored the "no" like a acne ridden 8th grader selling hair extensions at a mall kiosk. 
I will let you know what happens.

Anywho, back to the news stories gripping Americans... or just me.

Ya, you heard that right.  A fat nugget baby in Indonesia is addicted to cancer sticks and smokes upward of 40 per day.  Let's discuss, shall we.  Here are my votes for the most *disturbing* aspects of the story:
1. How the F did this kid learn to blow smoke rings?  I was an honors high school graduate who couldn't figure out how to inhale properly (granted, I give up on things easily, so I tried like twice) and this baby who can't even tie a shoe or write his name can blow rings?  That is kind of awesome in a seriously sick and perveted way.
2. The kid is HEFTY.  Like 10 year old weight range fat at the age of 2.  What kind of cigarettes is he smoking?  I thought smokes caused appetite suppression.  Clearly he only smokes when he nurses, and he needs to consider hitting the bottle like no more than 4 times a day.
3. The article says he is a product of his environment.  And that environment is what exactly?  The 5th ring of hell?  This is why you don't bring babies to bars. 
4. The Mother doesn't know how to handle his cravings because he goes into a complete shit-fit when she denies him his after-boob smoke.  He is going to be a holy terror as a teenager.

Supreme Court on Miranda Rights
I usually abstain from discussing politics, generally because I think most people are stupid and I hate to argue with stupid people.  But as I don't have much else to say today, here are my thoughts on this ruling.
My understanding is that after being read Miranda rights, you must verbally state that you wish to remain silent and/or ask for an attorney.
1. Law and Order just went off the air after 20 seasons and has been televised on like 10 channels in the last 10 years.  If you haven't seen an episode I don't know what to think of you, but anyone who has watched an hour or so of some of the best television ever knows that you have to ASK for an attorney.  Like, use your big convict words and ASK.
2. The cops can question you all they want about whatever crime you are being accused of UNLESS you ask for an attorney *I am like 70% certain of this* so by keeping your mouth shut and not saying anything means they can keep going.  If you ASK for an attorney, they shut the hell up.  Or get really mad and slam the table while a skinny psychologist gives you the once over from the other side of the two-way mirror.
3. You can remain silent in 2 ways.  By actually not saying anything, or by saying you invoke your right to not say anything.  Meaning, not say anything more than you are invoking your right. 
This is not rocket science people.  It shouldn't take the Supreme Court to tell you how to NOT admit to a crime you did or *didn't* do.  What is really strange is that I was fairly certain that Adam Schiff and Co. proved this like 4 years ago.  Keep up America. 

I am not pregnant, nor have I ever been, but I want to stab her for this.  Seriously?  She looked better at 8 months preggo than I do today. 

Can we say publicity stunt?  Yes, it has been 20 minutes since we last heard Tweedle Dumbshit and Post-Op Barbie tried to have one of the 3 people who care arrested for, well, caring, so it comes as no surprise that a press release was written to announce their separation.  Oh, and Queen of Plastic has a new reality show filming involving her and a roommate that is not her husband, so it was only a matter of time.  Oh oh and she mentioned the Bearded One's propensity to create bad press, so it is only natural to create more press of your own to discuss your bad press.  I feel a migraine coming on...
While Google-ing Spencer Pratt to find the link to this article, I came across this. 

Someone get that girl some Beano.  She is doing asshole yoga in public.

Cheating puts food on the table. 
Also, you say racist, I say tomato...
I must have missed the explanation of why she is called a Bombshell.  Anyone?

And on a serious note, there is the oil rig explosion in the Gulf of Mexico which is leaking a truly horrific amount of oil into the Gulf.  Born and raised in Texas, I spent weeks every summer at the beach, and granted we have always been on the wrong side of the Mississippi to be blessed with white beaches, but our golden brown beaches were just as wonderful.  I am truly heartbroken over these events and am horrified of what this leak may do to my beloved Gulf.  As the daughter of an oilman, I can say nothing more than I wish peace for the families of those who died in the explosion, a speedy recovery to the fishing industry essentially shuttered by this disaster, and pray that my beach will heal and be cherished by my kids and their kids for years and years.  Also, I hope there is a special place in Hades for the asshat who made the call to continue operations rather than follow procedure and cease drilling when the problem was first found.  You sir (or ma'am)... there are no words.

Am I missing any other *breaking news* items that deserve comment? 

Oops, almost forgot:

This guy is a douche, and possibly a criminal. Again.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Drunk Girl Thoughts

I think I had a purposeful post thought out but then I started drinking wine by myself and all my thoughts are scattered about so here is an insight into my ADHD mind:

I cheated on Kimmy K today. Me. The person who is always "oh poor misunderstood KK. I accept you in all your tranny glory." I went into DSW like a woman on a mission. As in I set my purse down, took off my Bandolinos and wandered the store trying on every shoe in the damn store and walked out with THREE pairs. It felt kind of like when you are on a strict diet and then you binge eat at Taco Bell but you do it in your car so you can throw out the evidence in the garbage as soon as you get out so that it feels like it never happened. Please don't say I am the only person who has ever done this. Maybe I will post pics when I don't feel like such a cheating whore. Of the shoes, not my binge eating.

I went swimsuit shopping with N yesterday. I threw my inevitable tantrum but not because I was too fat, because Victoria Secret is stupid and doesn't realize that their demographic of women in need of chestal support does not need triangle bikini tops the size of delicious tortilla chips, we need supportive halter-like lifting machines to hold any size boobage. I warned N it was going to happen but he was still taken by surprise when we walked into a store and then I walked immediately out the minute he naturally gravitated toward the obligatory "man chair." Hello!? You sitting in the chair while I shop is the same thing as just going by myself!

Also, I am a failure. I ate like 5 times this weekend because in an effort to appear like I am a marriable domesticated woman I made paella for dinner for me and my man and now there are leftovers. I have 3 days to not eat solid food in an attempt to not cause nausea while wearing my new swimsuit in South Beach. Wish me luck. My new mantra is WWJE (what would jennifer aniston eat). Yes, it is sacrilege. Get over it. I've been drinking.